I am a reader. It’s what I love to do more than almost anything in the world. Proof? I have already read more than 120 books this year. I just finished a book called Skinny by Donna Cooner about a fifteen year old girl who weighs 302 pounds. She gets gastric bypass surgery and struggles to understand that changing your outside doesn’t mean your insides automatically change too.
Her struggles were difficult for me to read because I saw myself in them. I turn thirty later this year, but in many ways I am still like a young girl hiding because she is uncomfortable in her skin. I disappear inside my books so I don’t have to face reality. I hide under the layers of fat. I use my weight as a crutch – an excuse – to avoid people.
I spend almost all of my time alone because I can’t imagine people would actually want to spend time with me when I don’t even want to. I am used to being the fat one at family gatherings and because of it I try to make myself invisible, even when I am surrounded by people who are supposed to love me.
This is a sad and lonely existence. One fueled by the fat. And even though it is truly miserable, it is easier to keep the fat as a shield. This is why I inevitably fail.
It is easier to live with a known reason for invisibility than it is to shed that reason and discover you are still unseen.
This is something I need to work on. Not only does my physical health need changing, but my mental health does as well.
This is something I am not entirely sure how to go about doing. I know how to lose weight. I can count calories with the best of them. I know how many calories are in just about everything I put into mouth. But I sabotage it every single time because it’s easier to hide under the fat.
Sometimes it feels like being miserable is what makes me happy. Except I know that’s not it. It’s just comfortable.
But comfortable isn’t healthy. And I really do want to be healthy. It’s time I start watching over myself and stop hoping I find a fairy godmother who will wave her wand and make me who I want to be. Who I feel like inside.