One of the things I’ve been trying to focus on this year in addition to making physical changes to my body is my personal mental health. I have been a deeply unhappy person for years. Most of that stems from my own perceptions and disgust with myself. My weight has made me feel as if I’m less than a person, as if I don’t deserve to be happy, and as if I am worthless and don’t deserve to even be on this planet. I’ve never been suicidal, but I have wanted to die as a result of my unhappiness.
These are destructive thought patterns. It is my goal to silence them.
Working out helps. Most of the time. Sometimes I make a poor choice as far as food goes or skipping the gym and it throws me back into a spiral of negativity.
I have a necklace that is very dear to me. It says “Choose Joy.” I wear it as a reminder that my happiness is a choice! I don’t have to live the way I have been. I also have one of those silicon bracelets that says “channel your brave.” This one reminds me that while I may be afraid to be the person I know I can be, I should not let those fears get in my way. I plan to get that phrase tattooed across my shoulder as a reward once my collar bones show (for the first time in my life). And lastly, I bought a new bracelet on Saturday. This one says “love this life” and reminds me that life is precious and too short to be unhappy.
My happiness should come from within. It shouldn’t be dependent on other people or even on my own physical appearance. And as I work to improve my mental health, my physical health should fall right in line.
That being said, my week wasn’t terrible. After last week’s gain, I am beyond happy with this number.
Starting Weight: 233.6
Last Weigh-in: 222.2
Current Weight: 219.7
Total Lost: 13.9 pounds
And as always, my measurements show overall change rather than the difference from week to week.
Arms: -1.5 (no change this week)
Total: -12.5 inches
One of my favorite things from this week was that I was brave enough to attempt jogging on the treadmill! I’ve always been afraid to try for fear of breaking the machine. Logically I know that’s a ridiculous fear. That treadmill is built to handle the workouts of those who are double my weight. But the fear has always been there. What if I break it? What if people stare at the fat girl trying to run? What if I can’t do it?
But you know what? I did do it. I didn’t jog for long – only one minute intervals every 5 minutes – but I jogged! If I keep it up, I’ll be able to jog longer and farther.
I love leveling up. 🙂