Guys, I ate salmon. A lot. I was actually shocked that I liked it! Salmon is one of those foods that I have staunchly refused to eat in the past.
The scale was being awesome for those first few days. 238.7… 237.8… 236.5… Yeah, those numbers were going down fast. I knew, however, that it wouldn’t last – it was just water weight coming off while I was eating healthy fish and veggies.
PASTA. I ate a lot of pasta this weekend. I didn’t mean to eat as much as I did – but I did eat a lot of it. And cake.
So instead of the scale staying down this week… it actually went up.
I’m bummed, but it’s not the end of the world.
Starting Weight: 238.7
Current Weight: 239.3
I started physical therapy on Friday for my back pain. One of the things I learned is that there are three layers of muscles in our back (maybe all over, but we were talking about my back). Going to the gym last year strengthened the top layer – and maybe even some of the second layer. But that third layer? That layer is made up of small muscles that stop working if you don’t actively engage them. Your larger muscles pick up their slack when they begin to atrophy. And mine are never engaged. I was given three exercises to do at home that are so miniscule in movement that I feel a bit like a failure when I end up shaky with burning muscles from engaging these smaller muscles.
I mean honestly – when picking my foot off the ground with an engaged pelvic floor causes muscle fatigue, there’s something wrong with you, right? But in theory, if I keep doing these exercises, those muscles will re-engage and I will have a much stronger core.
When he asked me what I think about when I think about “strengthening your core” and I immediately said “squats and planks.” He agreed, but said that those exercises won’t help you when you don’t know how to engage those core muscles already. Your larger muscles will overcompensate and it won’t be your core that’s working.
So, I have these small exercises to do that really do kick my butt. And he’s right – I can feel the muscles working and engaging when I do these exercises. I go back to see him in 3 weeks. I hope that I’ve made progress, and that I’m closer to becoming pain free.
I go back in tomorrow morning to get the results of my MRI. I’m a bit nervous about that, but I’m also looking forward to a concrete diagnosis and a plan for healing moving forward. My mental health has diminished so much in the past 5 months. Part of it is pain. Part of it is my regular depression (my “ground zero” appears to slant towards depressed). Part of it is a simple lack of endorphins. Being able to get back into the gym and feel good about myself will do wonders for my mental health.
I’m tired of feeling like this. I try to choose happiness and joy, but that ends up being a “fake it til you make it” sort of thing… and I never actually make it. I avoid people. I cancel social engagements. I end up grumpy all the time.
I’m ready to be happy for real.