Second, I need a better mirror at home for selfies.
Third… and here’s where I get serious.
I look at this picture, and I see a comparatively tiny me. I see that in the photo. But when I look in the mirror, I don’t see that. When I look down while I’m sitting and still see a bulging tummy, I don’t see that. A friend at work is constantly telling me that I’m shrinking, but I don’t see that.
Weight loss is more than a physical phenomenon. As my body changes, my mind struggles to catch up to my new reality. I still think I’m fat, despite the tags on my clothes showing a smaller size or the number on the scale going down.
The brain is a little bitch sometimes. She likes to play mind games just to mess with me.
Oh, that photo only looks good because of the angle. It’s a trick of the light! It’s not that you actually look good!
But pre-surgery me? She had a brain that said things like Photos don’t lie. Those photos show the disgusting truth of what you really look like.
It can’t be both ways* – but my little bitch of a brain plays these mind games with me in an effort to sabotage me. And I have to admit: it’s been working.
I’ve fallen off the bandwagon a little bit. I’ve stopped tracking the food I eat or the water I drink (which leaves me in a permanently dehydrated and mentally fuzzy state). I’ve started justifying why it’s okay to eat some things that I probably shouldn’t eat right now (or at least, I shouldn’t eat as often as I recently have).
I’m still in what they call “the honeymoon period”. That means that in spite of myself, I am still losing weight. And I will keep losing weight, no matter what I eat, for at least a few more months. But that doesn’t help me in the long run. I’ve spent most of the last 4 months developing better and healthier eating habits. Avoiding certain trigger foods and pro-actively trying to be the best me I can be. But the last two weeks? Those mind games have gotten to me and I’ve sort of given up, mentally. I’ve gotten off track and if I don’t correct it, I will not be successful in this journey.
I look at that photo and I see the potential of the me I want to be.
And this little bitch of a brain is NOT going to stop me.